Forever Angel
by Atropine
Summary: Tohru broke the Sohma family curse, but at a terrible price. Now Kyo remains alone, a monster, and one fine day he finds himself thinking back on things past. Oneshot.


I'm trying to remember a song I don't know. The beat, the words, the voice - all shadowed in obscurity. All that remains is the sure memory of having heard it when I lost you.

I think…I _like_ to think that if only I had lost you to somebody else, I might have been able to stand it. It's true, I had those high, high hopes once. But reality is the unbreakable chain that keeps us on the ground, however high we reach for the sun. I knew what would happen. I knew I would end up here, alone and in the dark. And so….

I gave up that precious dream. Maybe it would flit around in the back of my mind, a happy, distant fantasy. But letting it come too close only took away from what little time remained for me to enjoy my freedom. I had a new dream - to see you happy. I never wanted you to stop showing me that smile, more brilliant than the sun for which I once reached.

No one is the same anymore. Deep down inside, we all know how much it'd hurt you if you knew how much we suffer in your absence. For only that reason do they manage to go on with their lives. But they know - I know - that things still aren't the way you would want them to be. And it's my fault, once again, and for always it seems.

I also like to think that you can hear me when I talk to you like this. Just like I think your mom heard every word you ever said to her after she died; though I obviously like to think you felt highly enough about me to bother listening, too.

It may be hard for you to believe, but I don't hate it. I understand why you did it. It may have taken me a long time to finally shut up and pay attention for me to be able to understand, but I do nonetheless. And I'd have done the same thing, if I had been in your place. So as much as I want to scream at you, tear at you for being such an _idiot_, I really have no place to do so. Not that I can.

You succeeded. You discovered that which none of us truly knew, though which we had dully suspected for most of our lives, and you set us free - free from the curse that held sway over the family for centuries. You risked everything, gave everything, just so that everyone could share in the freedom you lived in.

And they are free. So much torment ended because of you that I can't hate them for being free without me. Not even that damn rat. He lost just as much as I did when you died, I know it. You probably knew all along that we were so much the same, didn't you? But I gave up hating myself; it just didn't make sense to hate him after that night.

I wonder if you can see me in here. Does it still frighten you, even all the way up there? Somehow I don't think you can be afraid, not where you are.

The beads - they don't exist anymore. They broke into hundreds, maybe thousands of pieces after I killed him. They were a gift from God, after all - without God, they held no power.

The others don't transform anymore either. This is my true form, remember? This is how I will remain until the day I die, maybe even after that. Maybe this body will taint the earth until it turns into ash and rejoins it.

Sometimes it's hard to feel sad about it. Without you, there's not much to miss in this life here; I can't go out and do the things I used to anymore. And when I do finally die, you'll be waiting there for me.

But…there is something I can't deny missing. Being with you and Shishou…those visits we had were the most precious of all to me. My true family, the place I truly felt I belonged…

He told me that night, as he was breathing his last breaths. He said that, as painful as it would be for a parent to lose their child, he still wished that I didn't have to watch him die right after you. Just to spare me any more pain.

"Ngh…"

It hurts so much though. I feel like clawing out my heart with these talons sometimes, I just can't stand it. You wanted to protect me, like Shishou, didn't you? Idiot. My father was an idiot, and I fell for an idiot. I guess that makes me the biggest idiot of all.

That song…how did it go? Dancing on the edge of my mind, with that little flitting dream from so long ago. Why does it make me think you're waiting for me?


End file.
